Wanna Hurt Somebody’s Feelings? These Worked on Instagram

Sam Cliff
2 min readDec 30, 2023

Safety not guaranteed, I’ve only done this once before…

Whether Southlake PD likes this or not, it passes the Four Factor Test as Commentary, unlike their Instagram account which is a textbook example of because they are Wealthy and White they don’t have to obey Copyright

Things I’ve Said or Written:

Would I like to speak with him? No. I only called to be sure he existed.

Ma’am, why would I be calling the Dallas Police Department if the officers who performed the Welfare Check were from Tarrant County? *click*

He’s taken so much spunk up the trunk his brain is the color of a marshmallow.

You whine so much I think Michael Vick might come out of retirement just to put you out of your misery.

Here’s a fork go test out some plugs.

You must be the most in demand conversation at the half-way house.

…it’s that it sounds like you don’t care, Corporal Vasquez, and maybe your time would be better spent inspecting lines in grocery store parking lots.

Maybe you should hit your Wife harder so she irons your shirt collars properly next time.

Does he know his Wife is cheating on him? Oh! Sorry Officers, he does know, that’s why he’s such an unhinged lunatic who needs to be tested for steroids and amphetamines, right?

If you’re going to be speeding can you put on the lights and siren too?

Do you treat all handicapped people this way? No? Okay so you just treat everyone like shit, got it.

Hey, did you know your co-worker here at the Tarrant Corrections desk is Pro Sandy Hook? Yeah! He thinks there’s nothing wrong with child murder because of the Second Amendment. Hey, new person! Did you know…

Lady, you don’t know anything about my condition and you probably can’t even spell it.

HOT POCKET!!!

(this is kind of a favorite because everyone in the Tarrant County Corrections booking livestock pen in Uniform heard it and saw who I was talking about and if they saw what I saw, his shoulders dropped a full six inches because that was a fucking BULLSEYE)

Hey look everybody it’s Derrick Henry without the everything!

I’m sorry your anal beads gave you sepsis.

Actually I thought about going into the debt collection industry, but I realize it’s a family business and my Mom isn’t a cum dumpster.

Deputy Childs, I won’t “axe” you anything else but I will go ahead and “ask” you whatever I want.

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Sam Cliff

Gonzo School of Journalism, BA & MA, Guitarist, OCTX, IG austin_on_guitar